Thunderstorms and Gentle Rain.....

It’s been a long time since I updated my blog. A lot has happened. But sometimes when I sit down to write, the pain of typing the emotion is just too great. It’s one thing to walk through the grief and try to survive it; it’s another to relive it by recounting details by putting words on a paper. But, I’ve come to realize, it’s through narrating my journey that I truly can fully grieve.

Grief has been described to me as a flood, ruining lives. Grief has been described to me as a tornado, destroying everything in its path. But to me, loosing Carter has been a lot like a series of thunderstorms. Some days the rain is gentle. I’m able to wake in the morning, go through my daily routine, and make it through the day. The rain is soft and a reminder of new life, sweet smells, and rainbows. Other days, the rain is so blinding I can’t even catch my breath, struggle to see in front of me, and stop in fear of what will happen next.

Maggie lost her first tooth last week. Cooper helped pull it which was so exciting for him! Todd is the expert tooth puller in the Mayes household. I sit back and cheer everyone on! This time it was different. I smiled and cheered Maggie on. She was so excited. Cooper was so excited. I fought to hold back the tears. I gripped my stomach as the physical pain was so intense I was scared I might get sick. I struggled to maintain normalcy. Carter should be here. He should.

Cooper’s team is in the middle of playoffs. He has worked so hard this year to improve as a ball player. I have seen him so proud of his accomplishments. Todd has helped coach which has been good for him (and Cooper). Cooper’s games are so intensely entertaining. I sit back and cheer everyone on! Each game, as Cooper #8 (Carter’s old number), stands at the plate to bat, I fight to hold back the tears. I find myself gripping my stomach as the physical pain is so intense I am scared I might get sick. I struggle to maintain normalcy. Carter should be here. He should.

We attended Cooper’s Cub Scout bridge ceremony a week ago. It’s a ceremony where the Cub Scout crosses the bridge to the next level of scouting. Before the ceremony in a moment of confusion we couldn’t find Cooper’s Cub Scout belt. We were pressed for time so I did the only thing I knew to do. I reached deep in my closet for my box of special Carter memories and pulled Carter’s Cub Scout belt out for Cooper to wear. As I laced the belt through the loops, I look up and Cooper’s eyes are filled with tears. I watch Carter’s Cub Scout den cross the bridge (before Cooper's den), each smiling proudly as the ‘graduate’ to the next scouting level. I fight to hold back the tears. I find myself gripping my stomach as the physical pain is so intense I am scared I might get sick. I struggle to maintain normalcy. Carter should be here. He should.

As I write this I receive a call from Cooper’s summer camp director, Clinton. I called him this morning to give him a heads up on Cooper’s family dynamic before Coop arrives at camp. I can’t even get the words out of my mouth. I start crying as I begin to talk. My tongue gets stuck in my throat and I can’t say anything. Its times like this I realize the thunderstorm is at its worst. I can’t see through the rain. My heart beats so hard I feel like it might fall out of my chest. I can’t do this, I think. It hurts too much, I just want the pain to stop. Then, the rain passes. Clinton begins to pray with me on the phone. I feel at peace and I know I will once again be ‘ok’.

Daily I pray that there will be a day when I won’t cry. Daily I pray that there will be a day that I don’t fall asleep praying I won’t wake up. Daily I pray that the guilt in my heart will lesson. Each day I pray that it will get easier. And, some moments, are easier….and for those ‘gentle rains’, I will forever be grateful.

It hit me....

1. Birthday Party-It hit me at a birthday party. It seemed like such an easy act….going to a birthday party of one of my closest friend, Amy’s, son. His name is Chance and he was one of Carter’s best friends in school. The natives and I picked out his present carefully. We dressed in matching outfits. Brushed our teeth and headed out the door. The birthday party was filled with fun! We fished. We painted. We sprayed silly string. We sat down for ‘happy birthday’ and cake….and I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from Cooper, to Maggie, to Chance, to Amy…tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I felt dizzy; I felt cold…I needed to escape. I ran into the house and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for Chance. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
2. Ms. Rue’s class-It hit me in Ms. Rue’s class after school yesterday. It seemed like such an easy act….running to Hudson PEP to deliver Mardi Gras beads for Ms. Rue to use as student incentives. I turned to walk down the first and second grade hall. It was after school. The halls were quiet. The students had left. I passed Cooper’s second grade classroom. I glanced in to see his teacher quietly grading student’s work. As I kept walking…..I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the door, to Coop’s classroom, to the bathrooms, to Carter’s classroom…and last to Carter’s footprint above the door…..tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to Ms. Rue….I hugged her, set the Mardi Gras beads down…and cried some more. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of the building and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Ms. Rue. I cried for Hudson PEP. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
3. Nurse Lisa-It hit me when I read a note from Nurse Lisa. It seemed like such an easy act….reading a sweet note a friend had written regarding Carter. I’ve done it a thousand times. I opened my facebook and started to read the words she had written. It hit me that we had visited with her just two days before Carter when to Heaven. As I kept reading….I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the computer, to my student’s, to the door…and back to the computer….tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to my students….I just cried. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of my classroom and cried a thousand teachers. I cried for Dr. McCrory. I cried for Nurse Lisa. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.

There's been a thousand moments like these. Unusual times when life should be so simple. I forget and order three kids meals at McDonalds. I write his name on top of the field trip form. I buy his favorite brand of yogurt. I ask for extra ketchup at chic fil a. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Dear Carter

This week was tough. As your friends find out what baseball team they are on...I was choosing your grave marker. As your friends were studying for their spelling test, I was looking at the scrapbook my friend Shay made me of your life. This week as your friends attended soccer practice, I packed away your favorite toys. As your friends played at recess, I was forced to remember the anniversary of your passing. As your friends were being tucked into bed, I was silently crying myself to sleep.

I miss you Carter

Valentine's Day balloon release.....

Carter's best buddy Chance made him a valentine bucket

Heart shaped balloons filled the classroom ceiling...amazing!

Valentines to Heaven....

Life isn't fair...even in prayer

Baby Elliott is going to be ok!!. He overcame some big hurdles yesterday. Lanie's sister, Laurie said it was a true miracle. I believe in miracles. I believe in the power of prayer. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for baby Elliott. But sometimes....life isn't fair, even in prayer.

December 4, 2011 remberances: The accident comes back to me in waves. Sometimes I have a memory in the middle of a lesson with my students. Sometimes I have a memory in the middle of the shower. Sometimes I have a memory in the middle of the night. Sometimes I have a memory while praying with the natives. Last night I had a memory in the middle of reading a book....and I remembered my prayer on December 4th.

While I was reading last night, I found myself remembering me kneeling beside carter with my shirt wrapped around his little arm. His arm was cut so deep I could see the bone. I removed my own shirt and wrapped it around the injury to stop the bleeding. I remember praying for God to save his arm. I yelled at the man helping me 'he plays baseball, he can't lose his arm'....little did I know how trivial my prayer was. Carter didn't lose his arm....he lost his life.

While I was on the emergency room table I prayed harder than I'd ever prayed before. I remember bargaining with God. I prayed 'if/then' prayers. 'If you save Carter's arm, then I promise to commit myself to you in ever capacity'. Last night for the first time....i feel like that day, at mile marker 562, I prayed the wrong prayer for my son. How silly was I to pray for his arm?! How superficial am I to pray that he could play baseball this spring if his arm healed. Carter didn't lose his arm....he lost his life.

I cried a lot last night. I cried for Elliott and his family. I cried for my Carter and my family. I cried because I had prayed and prayed and prayed so hard for Elliott....just like I had prayed for Carter.

I only wish I knew why one child was saved while one child wasn't. Sometimes life isn't fair....even in prayer.

peace and healing.....

Sunday School Teachers and stuff.....

I have a friend named Lanie. She was Carter's Sunday School teacher. Carter called her 'mommy's pretty friend that teaches me in sunday school'. He loved her. Lanie and I would email from time to time about funny things Carter said about Sunday School. She and I became good friends.

At Carter's memorial service, I don't remember much of anything. I don't remember who attended. I don't remember who I hugged. I don't remember who said 'God bless you'. I don't remember. But.....i do remember Lanie. In the mass of hundreds of people, I looked up as I walked out and I made eye contact with her. I saw her eyes filled with tears and I remember.

Later in the week I would find a bible in my mailbox. It was a pretty bible with a sweet inscription inside from Lanie reading 'I love you sweet friend'. It would take a day or two for me to pick up the bible and look inside. I would find that Lanie had highlighted and paper clipped verses of hope, healing, love, and loss though out the ENTER bible. I have read each verse she highlighted. I have cried over each paper clipped page. I have felt comforted, not only by the Word but by my friend's thoughtfulness, her tender heart, her strength.

Now Lanie needs my prayers. She needs the same words she gave me about strength, faith, hope, love, healing.

You see....Lanie's son, born February 3....is hurt. His heart and lungs aren't working. He's really sick. Elliott, Lanie's son, is in Dallas, at Children's hospital.

In the same hospital where Carter lost his life, Elliott is fighting for his.

I have struggled with my faith. I have been angry at God. I have felt cheated by God....but now, at this very moment, I know that God can move mountains. I know that I can pray and pray and pray some more that baby Elliott feel Carter's loving arms wrapped around him. I want Elliott to live and be healthy....not only because I love his family, but also for selfish reasons. I need Elliott to be ok so I know that Carter had a hand in his healing. I want this only small life, Elliott's, to matter. I want Elliott to grow to be big and strong. I want to watch him play....and one day....

I want to be Elliott's Sunday School teacher.