Thunderstorms and Gentle Rain.....

It’s been a long time since I updated my blog. A lot has happened. But sometimes when I sit down to write, the pain of typing the emotion is just too great. It’s one thing to walk through the grief and try to survive it; it’s another to relive it by recounting details by putting words on a paper. But, I’ve come to realize, it’s through narrating my journey that I truly can fully grieve.

Grief has been described to me as a flood, ruining lives. Grief has been described to me as a tornado, destroying everything in its path. But to me, loosing Carter has been a lot like a series of thunderstorms. Some days the rain is gentle. I’m able to wake in the morning, go through my daily routine, and make it through the day. The rain is soft and a reminder of new life, sweet smells, and rainbows. Other days, the rain is so blinding I can’t even catch my breath, struggle to see in front of me, and stop in fear of what will happen next.

Maggie lost her first tooth last week. Cooper helped pull it which was so exciting for him! Todd is the expert tooth puller in the Mayes household. I sit back and cheer everyone on! This time it was different. I smiled and cheered Maggie on. She was so excited. Cooper was so excited. I fought to hold back the tears. I gripped my stomach as the physical pain was so intense I was scared I might get sick. I struggled to maintain normalcy. Carter should be here. He should.

Cooper’s team is in the middle of playoffs. He has worked so hard this year to improve as a ball player. I have seen him so proud of his accomplishments. Todd has helped coach which has been good for him (and Cooper). Cooper’s games are so intensely entertaining. I sit back and cheer everyone on! Each game, as Cooper #8 (Carter’s old number), stands at the plate to bat, I fight to hold back the tears. I find myself gripping my stomach as the physical pain is so intense I am scared I might get sick. I struggle to maintain normalcy. Carter should be here. He should.

We attended Cooper’s Cub Scout bridge ceremony a week ago. It’s a ceremony where the Cub Scout crosses the bridge to the next level of scouting. Before the ceremony in a moment of confusion we couldn’t find Cooper’s Cub Scout belt. We were pressed for time so I did the only thing I knew to do. I reached deep in my closet for my box of special Carter memories and pulled Carter’s Cub Scout belt out for Cooper to wear. As I laced the belt through the loops, I look up and Cooper’s eyes are filled with tears. I watch Carter’s Cub Scout den cross the bridge (before Cooper's den), each smiling proudly as the ‘graduate’ to the next scouting level. I fight to hold back the tears. I find myself gripping my stomach as the physical pain is so intense I am scared I might get sick. I struggle to maintain normalcy. Carter should be here. He should.

As I write this I receive a call from Cooper’s summer camp director, Clinton. I called him this morning to give him a heads up on Cooper’s family dynamic before Coop arrives at camp. I can’t even get the words out of my mouth. I start crying as I begin to talk. My tongue gets stuck in my throat and I can’t say anything. Its times like this I realize the thunderstorm is at its worst. I can’t see through the rain. My heart beats so hard I feel like it might fall out of my chest. I can’t do this, I think. It hurts too much, I just want the pain to stop. Then, the rain passes. Clinton begins to pray with me on the phone. I feel at peace and I know I will once again be ‘ok’.

Daily I pray that there will be a day when I won’t cry. Daily I pray that there will be a day that I don’t fall asleep praying I won’t wake up. Daily I pray that the guilt in my heart will lesson. Each day I pray that it will get easier. And, some moments, are easier….and for those ‘gentle rains’, I will forever be grateful.

Maggie...the youngest native

1. Maggie has really great hair....really really great hair.
2. Maggie is really funny.
3. Maggie has great wit.
4. Maggie is really really positive...even when she's trying to be grumpy she's positive. she's really great.
5. Maggie knows that 'the bigger the bow the better the mama'..she ALWAYS has a bow. ALWAYS.
6. Maggie adores her brothers. She idolizes them in every way.
7. Maggie can dress up or dress down. She can have a tea party or dig for worms.
8. Maggie isn't an athlete. She realizes its not about the game...but only what flavor sno-cone comes after the game.
9. Maggie has a strong faith in God and loves going to church...mainly because she loves wearing smocked dresses.
10. Maggie has the best vocabulary. She's really smart!

It hit me....

1. Birthday Party-It hit me at a birthday party. It seemed like such an easy act….going to a birthday party of one of my closest friend, Amy’s, son. His name is Chance and he was one of Carter’s best friends in school. The natives and I picked out his present carefully. We dressed in matching outfits. Brushed our teeth and headed out the door. The birthday party was filled with fun! We fished. We painted. We sprayed silly string. We sat down for ‘happy birthday’ and cake….and I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from Cooper, to Maggie, to Chance, to Amy…tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I felt dizzy; I felt cold…I needed to escape. I ran into the house and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for Chance. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
2. Ms. Rue’s class-It hit me in Ms. Rue’s class after school yesterday. It seemed like such an easy act….running to Hudson PEP to deliver Mardi Gras beads for Ms. Rue to use as student incentives. I turned to walk down the first and second grade hall. It was after school. The halls were quiet. The students had left. I passed Cooper’s second grade classroom. I glanced in to see his teacher quietly grading student’s work. As I kept walking…..I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the door, to Coop’s classroom, to the bathrooms, to Carter’s classroom…and last to Carter’s footprint above the door…..tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to Ms. Rue….I hugged her, set the Mardi Gras beads down…and cried some more. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of the building and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Ms. Rue. I cried for Hudson PEP. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
3. Nurse Lisa-It hit me when I read a note from Nurse Lisa. It seemed like such an easy act….reading a sweet note a friend had written regarding Carter. I’ve done it a thousand times. I opened my facebook and started to read the words she had written. It hit me that we had visited with her just two days before Carter when to Heaven. As I kept reading….I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the computer, to my student’s, to the door…and back to the computer….tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to my students….I just cried. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of my classroom and cried a thousand teachers. I cried for Dr. McCrory. I cried for Nurse Lisa. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.

There's been a thousand moments like these. Unusual times when life should be so simple. I forget and order three kids meals at McDonalds. I write his name on top of the field trip form. I buy his favorite brand of yogurt. I ask for extra ketchup at chic fil a. It hurts. It hurts a lot.