It hit me....

1. Birthday Party-It hit me at a birthday party. It seemed like such an easy act….going to a birthday party of one of my closest friend, Amy’s, son. His name is Chance and he was one of Carter’s best friends in school. The natives and I picked out his present carefully. We dressed in matching outfits. Brushed our teeth and headed out the door. The birthday party was filled with fun! We fished. We painted. We sprayed silly string. We sat down for ‘happy birthday’ and cake….and I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from Cooper, to Maggie, to Chance, to Amy…tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I felt dizzy; I felt cold…I needed to escape. I ran into the house and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for Chance. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
2. Ms. Rue’s class-It hit me in Ms. Rue’s class after school yesterday. It seemed like such an easy act….running to Hudson PEP to deliver Mardi Gras beads for Ms. Rue to use as student incentives. I turned to walk down the first and second grade hall. It was after school. The halls were quiet. The students had left. I passed Cooper’s second grade classroom. I glanced in to see his teacher quietly grading student’s work. As I kept walking…..I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the door, to Coop’s classroom, to the bathrooms, to Carter’s classroom…and last to Carter’s footprint above the door…..tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to Ms. Rue….I hugged her, set the Mardi Gras beads down…and cried some more. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of the building and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Ms. Rue. I cried for Hudson PEP. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
3. Nurse Lisa-It hit me when I read a note from Nurse Lisa. It seemed like such an easy act….reading a sweet note a friend had written regarding Carter. I’ve done it a thousand times. I opened my facebook and started to read the words she had written. It hit me that we had visited with her just two days before Carter when to Heaven. As I kept reading….I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the computer, to my student’s, to the door…and back to the computer….tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to my students….I just cried. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of my classroom and cried a thousand teachers. I cried for Dr. McCrory. I cried for Nurse Lisa. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.

There's been a thousand moments like these. Unusual times when life should be so simple. I forget and order three kids meals at McDonalds. I write his name on top of the field trip form. I buy his favorite brand of yogurt. I ask for extra ketchup at chic fil a. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

Dear Carter

This week was tough. As your friends find out what baseball team they are on...I was choosing your grave marker. As your friends were studying for their spelling test, I was looking at the scrapbook my friend Shay made me of your life. This week as your friends attended soccer practice, I packed away your favorite toys. As your friends played at recess, I was forced to remember the anniversary of your passing. As your friends were being tucked into bed, I was silently crying myself to sleep.

I miss you Carter