Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It hit me....

1. Birthday Party-It hit me at a birthday party. It seemed like such an easy act….going to a birthday party of one of my closest friend, Amy’s, son. His name is Chance and he was one of Carter’s best friends in school. The natives and I picked out his present carefully. We dressed in matching outfits. Brushed our teeth and headed out the door. The birthday party was filled with fun! We fished. We painted. We sprayed silly string. We sat down for ‘happy birthday’ and cake….and I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from Cooper, to Maggie, to Chance, to Amy…tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I felt dizzy; I felt cold…I needed to escape. I ran into the house and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for Chance. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
2. Ms. Rue’s class-It hit me in Ms. Rue’s class after school yesterday. It seemed like such an easy act….running to Hudson PEP to deliver Mardi Gras beads for Ms. Rue to use as student incentives. I turned to walk down the first and second grade hall. It was after school. The halls were quiet. The students had left. I passed Cooper’s second grade classroom. I glanced in to see his teacher quietly grading student’s work. As I kept walking…..I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the door, to Coop’s classroom, to the bathrooms, to Carter’s classroom…and last to Carter’s footprint above the door…..tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to Ms. Rue….I hugged her, set the Mardi Gras beads down…and cried some more. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of the building and cried a thousand tears. I cried for Ms. Rue. I cried for Hudson PEP. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Carter’s classmates. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.
3. Nurse Lisa-It hit me when I read a note from Nurse Lisa. It seemed like such an easy act….reading a sweet note a friend had written regarding Carter. I’ve done it a thousand times. I opened my facebook and started to read the words she had written. It hit me that we had visited with her just two days before Carter when to Heaven. As I kept reading….I lost it. It was almost as if the world was moving in slow motion. I darted my eyes from the computer, to my student’s, to the door…and back to the computer….tears fell down my face faster than I could wipe them. I couldn’t even talk to my students….I just cried. I felt dizzy; I felt cold….I needed to escape. I ran out of my classroom and cried a thousand teachers. I cried for Dr. McCrory. I cried for Nurse Lisa. I cried for Cooper. I cried for Maggie. I cried for myself. But mainly….I cried for Carter.

There's been a thousand moments like these. Unusual times when life should be so simple. I forget and order three kids meals at McDonalds. I write his name on top of the field trip form. I buy his favorite brand of yogurt. I ask for extra ketchup at chic fil a. It hurts. It hurts a lot.






Photobucket

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Paige,
Just read your thoughts. Oh what a strong Mommy you are. I hold you up in prayer so very often as well as your husband and the children. Jennifer and Amy keep me posted on how you appear when they see you or talk to you. The words that come from my heart to you are faith, strength and love.
Have a blessed day.
Nancy Sawyer

Anonymous said...

Paige,
I think of you and all of your family all the time, and this is what I think about. How hard it must be for you to go through the mundane, every day things that the rest of us take for granted. I have cried many tears for you, Todd, Cooper, Maggie, and Carter. Brooke and your parents too. I am holding all of you in prayer always and I thank you for always being open and real with your story. You and Carter are touching so many lives.
Peace to you,
Carrie Cravens

Anonymous said...

As I read this blog, the realization came to me that although I had experienced grief,(in the loss of grandmothers and grandfathers, brother-in-laws, close friends) that I had not truly felt your pain. The pain must be so deep that it hurts just to think. I wish there was a way to take this pain from you, but I know there is no way to do this. All I can do is say I am so sorry, and continue to pray. So prayers it will be. God give you and your family peace.

Beverly Birdwell

kml9092 said...

My precious Paige, I'm so very sorry for your pain, sweet friend. Praying for your strength and comfort and peace...xo, Kate

Nessa said...

Paige, I still think of you so often. I hear of hurts and know that whatever hurt I hear of doesn't even touch your hurt, your loss, your emptiness. I pray that God will give you so much strength, so much faith, so much hope, so much love that you can take your next breath. Cling to Him. I love you.
Vanessa