Thursday, February 17, 2011

Acronyms and Swimming Lessons

In my profession, I deal with acronyms all day long....AYP, IEP, ARD, SI, VI, MR, AU etc etc etc....

There are three acronyms I NEVER thought would touch my life...much less my heart


Dead on Arrival

Cause of Death

Traumatic Brain Injury

I visited Children's hospital Tuesday, February 15th at 4 PM. I hate how the time is branded on my brain but it is what it is....

I met with Carter's trauma team and a chaplain from Children's. You see...I was there for answers. Not just for me, but for the natives. It is hard to explain death when the last memories we have of Carter were blood of his own but tears...alive tears.

It turns out Carter's head injury was internal. His brain started swelling almost immediately, so by the time he got to Children's, they were already in the 27th minute of CPR (there we go...another acronym). He, for all intents and purposes, was pronounced dead on arrival. The length of time CPR was preformed was too long for organs to be viable for donation. Those of you who know me, know one of my main questions was why organs weren't donated to those in need. The answer was they went too long without oxygen. Carter's body was kept alive by machines until my parents arrived and he was then.....prounced dead.

I guess I waited all this time to master the obvious. I know he's gone but that doesn't make it any easier to hear.

Rich was a family friend. He taught me to swim. Our families have been friends for years and years. He taught me to swim. He was older than me, a cool kid, who had cool high school friends. He taught me to swim. I was just a 7 year old girl who came to swim in his pool. He taught me to swim. I will forever by grateful.

I wish Rich could help me navigate these unknown, uncharted waters. But you see, he can't. I have to swim alone. Learning to swim seems like such a silly analogy when talking about the death of my precious child. But it seems like the only one that makes sense. You see....sometimes I feel as if I'm drowning. You see....sometimes I feel as if I'm treading water. You see....sometimes I feel as though I'm just trying to keep my head above water. He taught me to swim. One day I will say 'I'm swimming'...I just wish I knew how to swim.



Katy said...

You are swimming Paige! You are! And you are teaching the rest of the people around you how to do the same! But remember, there is no shame in asking for a flotation device now and then! Love to you, Todd and the natives!

Anonymous said...

A helicopter...he went to heaven in a helicopter. It doesn't make it better, but he went to heaven on a helicopter. A boat may have been better suited for Carter, but a helicopter is still cool. I wish more than anything that he was still here on earth with us. I wish I could hear him laugh, I wish I could hear him scream, I wish I could squeeze him tight, I wish I could kiss his sweet cheeks. I wish, I wish, I wish...I wish you weren't going through this. I wish you still had your sweet boy to hold. I wish....

Michelle said...

Paige, I wish I had words to help you, but I know I don't. You have an amazing way with words and this is wonderful therapy for you and all those who are hurting from Carter's lose. Keep doing what you are doing... keep writting, keep crying, keep praying and keep remembering and you will one day swim again. Just keep tredding water until that day comes. Love ya!